Grace in Light and Shadow

Making the Choice for Optimism (or How Keith Urban Reminded me Optimism was a Choice)

Posted on June 15, 2013 by Sarah Elizabeth

Robin Roberts has said, “Being optimistic is like a muscle that gets stronger with use.” Lately, in spite of the fact that I am a naturally optimistic person, I have had experience with actually contributing to the atrophying of that muscle!

I am in the middle of coursework to obtain a Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. Up until five weeks ago, I have loved the coursework. I believe this degree and one day being a Licensed Professional Counselor suit my talents, gifts, and interests. So what happened five weeks ago that changed the status of “loving” the work?

Research Methods in Counseling happened.

Two weeks into the course I told the professor I haven’t had to learn so much information in a single block of time since first grade! He thanked me for the feedback. I also haven’t felt as intimidated by a course since ninth grade algebra. Let me tell you something about ninth grade algebra. I passed it but barely. The next year I did well enough with geometry. But the summer between geometry and having to take Algebra II, I signed up for the summer school course of Algebra I of my own volition. I did that to tackle the intimidation that filled my body every time I just anticipated taking Algebra II.

Summer school made a difference in 1977. Graduate school doesn’t offer summer school make up (or get-it-better-the-second-time-around) courses! I need to get this stuff down the first time around.

I have pouted and huffed and puffed about this course. It has filled me with a knot in my stomach from which I cannot distract myself. It just has seemed like too much, too fast, too over-my-head-when-will-it-end stuff!

In as much as I often study with music on in the background, I have chosen music to match my mood these past five weeks. My music choices have mostly been soundtracks of movies with big life, death, and conflicted hero themes. The one I have had on most frequently, for instance, is the soundtrack to The Last Samurai. Now I love that movie. It is my most favorite Tom Cruise film. I think the photography is beautiful and the story inspiring. But that soundtrack, man, is mood making and depressing!

Yesterday I met with a fellow student so we could work on a group project for the Research Methods in Counseling course. I refuse to bore you with details of the project. The most important point about it has been how intimidating the project has felt! Well, yesterday we effectively worked through and past our intimidation and got a handle on that thing. That felt good, very good!

I just happened to have put one of my Keith Urban CDs in the car that morning. Driving to and from my friend’s house and while running errands afterwards, I let Keith serenade me over and over because his music was lifting me up. I felt upbeat because of what my schoolmate and I had accomplished and Keith was taking me higher! At one point I said out loud to myself, “The music I’ve been listening to has got to go! I want Keith Urban, his song choices (the ones he writes and the ones he borrows), his guitar, his banjo, and his voice on in the background while I write the paper and work on the project due for this course!

Keith’s music helps me feel optimistic and it has made a difference. Until yesterday, I didn’t realize I had contributed to the stress brought on by this course by no longer attending to the muscle called “the choice for optimism.” It made me remember Robin Robert’s quote and inspired this blog entry.

Growing up I was told it’s easier to frown than to smile. Smiling takes effort. It takes physical effort because it works against gravity. It takes psychological and emotional effort because it defies the gravity of life’s slings and arrows. Turns out the same is true for optimism. (I’ve got Keith’s Defying Gravity CD on right now! )

I choose optimism and with that choice comes the discipline of attending to subtle details that will either flex that muscle or cause it to atrophy. I’m glad to learn the lesson and grateful to be flexing that muscle again, building it up and lifting my thoughts and feelings to a higher place where I can better bless God, others, and myself.

When Hard gets Harder Still (the journey of dementia)

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Sarah Elizabeth

"Butterfly & Thistle" copyright © 1998 Sarah Smith Bailey, all rights reserved.

I wondered how it would feel when she no longer knew who I was. This is how it feels: neutral. It just doesn’t matter. All that matters is showing up for her and trying to decrease her suffering as much as possible.

I’ve been around the elderly my whole life. I’ve worked with dementia patients and loved them dearly. I thought that if anyone was prepared for what could happen to a family member suffering from dementia that would be me. Not so. Wasn’t ready for this situation that creates grief, deep sadness, and skirts one around the edges of depression. For those who are direct caregivers, losing their grip at that edge is of serious concern.

Days ago, locked in grief, the lyrics “could we start again, please?” kept running through my mind. I could not remember where they came from. Today I remembered. They’re from “Jesus Christ Superstar,” the song Mary Magdalene sings when his arrest and crucifixion are upon them. I want to start again, please. I want a do-over. I want to take a Mulligan, travel back in time and prepare her for what’s to come. Prepare her and us for what’s to come.

copyright © 2013 Sarah Elizabeth Malinak, all rights reserved.

But I don’t think it would have made a difference if we could have seen it coming. Dementia isn’t a personality thing. It is a mental illness and, no matter how well prepared, it takes what it takes from the brain and if the mental and emotional resources go missing to help a person cope with what hurts, they’ve just gone missing. And there is no getting it back and no substitute. There is no sublimation process when the memory of how to cope goes missing.

With many diseases the hard gets harder still. The heartbreak of Alzheimer’s and any other dementia is that at some point the patient can no longer process his or her experience in words; which means we can’t be certain we can make a difference for her.

So we show up, are present, and do the best we can even when our best falls so far short and we pray, pray, pray that on some level she knows she is loved. That she is love itself. And that God has God’s arms wrapped around her now and, some fine day, will catch her on the other side. It’ll be like taking a breath, opening her eyes, and there she’ll be, loved and cherished beyond comprehension – the place in which she has always existed but then will know it face-to-face and heart-to-beating heart.

For now we add our own arms and hearts of strength and compassion, offering our own suffering up as a prayer to ease her pain. Breathing in and out while trusting that the arms of God surround and support us too.

copyright © 2012 Sarah Elizabeth Malinak, all rights reserved.

Say Yes to Life not Others’ Egos

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Sarah Elizabeth

To say Yes to Life,

Not yes to others’ egos.

To serve Life,

Rather than another’s ego.

To play in the field of my own dreams,

Not abandon mine to serve someone else’s dreams;

To let Life use me

Flow through me

Create in and with me,

And not be a tool in another ego’s hands.

Serving the ego that belongs to another,

My ego is served as well,

Scratching the itch for acceptance and approval;

But when surrendering to the Flow of Life,

with, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

The path to the deep, still pool inside clears;

And the activity that springs forth

Is divinely inspired,

Full of love,

Grounded, and

Drenched in peace.

The Ego Rules in the Middle of the Night!

Posted on April 14, 2013 by Sarah Elizabeth

alking the path of awakening has not produced an easy stroll through life. Being startled, feeling the urge to turn tail and run in the opposite direction, getting lost, refusing to take another step forward, and walking in the rain, sleet, and snow have all been, for me, a part of this spiritual path. I must admit, though, there is balance. There are days of sunshine, blue skies, beautiful sunsets, thrilling vistas, happy adventures, and various modes of travel that make it exciting, fulfilling, and worthwhile.

Just this week, a secret to the safe navigation of this path of awakening revealed itself. Spirit moves in mysterious and humbling ways and this week was no exception. The mystery was how it came through my very own work, essentially hiding in plain sight. The humbling was also how it came through my very own work, a tool I’ve had close at hand but couldn’t see till now.

I’ve been revising Joseph’s and my book, Create the Love You Want, preparing it to be offered as an audio book. In a nutshell, it is based on the idea that (whether in relationships or life) because we create our own reality, where we come from in our thinking creates the outcome we experience. So, if I am not happy with my reality – my outcome – I can look at where I am coming from in my thinking and make changes there to create a different outcome.

In a relationship this can look like someone who has always experienced people walking all over them, taking them for granted, and taking advantage of their kindness and compassion. Though there is a genuine desire to serve in that person, they have had enough of being a doormat. Furthermore, the people in this person’s life are basically good, loving, even thoughtful people. It is hard not to take advantage of someone who offers themselves and their resources with such ease.

But this person has had enough. So, he or she looks inside and finds that they are coming from a place of low self-esteem, even a low-grade self-hatred. As they change their thinking about their own self-worth, they naturally make changes in how they relate to the world and their outcomes change too. For example, they face the discomfort of learning to ask for what they want and find that those who truly love them want them to be happy. And now a new level of growing up is under way.

This “come from” idea was the secret that Spirit shown a spot light on this week and, boy, am I grateful I paid attention! Now, in moments of stress or hurt, I ask if I am coming from a place of ego or of Spirit. The answer to the question is always immediately available.

The answer may not always be comfortable, because ego doesn’t like the question in the first place! It sure doesn’t like it when the answer means making a different choice, this time from Spirit.

For many years I have been in the habit of waking up around 5:30 in the morning anxious and afraid. It is so routine for me that when I wake up in the middle of the night these days, I try to begin an alternate conversation with myself as quickly as possible to by-pass the fear and anxiety. I call that “counter-thinking.” That helps me get back to sleep but it doesn’t stop the phenomenon. Sometimes the early morning wake up anxiety hangs like a cloud over the day. That’s distressing because it interferes with my creative energy.

This morning, after giving up trying to go back to sleep, I looked in the mirror and asked, “At 5:30 in the morning, am I coming from ego or Spirit?” Clearly, the answer was “ego.” I had to laugh. I mean, really, at 5:30 in the morning the ego must come alert wailing something like this, “I’ve been asleep! Oh, my God! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! We’ve wasted time. There’s so much to think about, worry about, try to fix, you need me! Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UP!”

On a small scale, asking if I was coming from ego or Spirit meant I busted through the cloud that might have hung over me today from this morning’s worries. On a larger scale, it could mean I will do less counter-thinking against the ego’s onslaught tomorrow morning (and the morning after that…) by asking, “Are these worries and fears coming from ego or Spirit?”

That “small scale” actually isn’t so small because it also meant that this morning I got busy operating from Spirit, allowing creative juices to flow, diving into some work that will serve others, and underscoring the benefit of creating a space for Spirit to move in all levels of my life.

Surely it is true that, “Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5 (NRSV)

Embracing the Void

Posted on March 19, 2013 by Sarah Elizabeth

don’t want to make the passageway between me and the void any longer or more complex than it already is.

That thought popped up one day while running errands with a to-do list that served as a distraction whose end purpose seemed to be keeping me too busy to experience the void – that empty, spacious place inside that feels too frightening to approach.

Am I really afraid of the void – that emptiness – or is it nervous excitement that has the potential for joy in it confused with fear?

Trapped in the ego’s attachment to duality, I keep myself busy, preoccupied, and distracted so as to not have to face the void inside.

The ego doesn’t want me to go there, after all! The ego believes entrance to the void spells certain death.

The void – have I called it that empty, spacious place inside? Yes? Could describing it and talking about it be a distraction to keep me from it? Yes…

The passageway between me and the void is a straight line. Meditation is the surest way to cross the distance. Wakeful spaciousness and open thinking “void” of judgment, planning, or anything requiring focus can also close the distance between here and the entrance to the void.

But things like planning, making judgments, shopping, worrying, procrastinating, escaping through movies, piling up clutter, loads of laundry, stressing over various relationship issues, studying, escaping through any activity or thought, etc. not only fill up the passageway between here and the void, they lengthen it, giving it twists and turns that make it harder to connect with all that is and keep me from golden opportunities to awaken.

Now some of the things in that list above need to be done. Dishes and laundry need cleaning. Shopping for groceries has to happen. Studies have to get done. That’s where mindfulness cuts through the distraction of the activity and, like meditation and wakeful spaciousness, closes the distance between here and there.

There. Stepping up to the entrance to the void, then crossing the threshold and what feels like the world bottoming out is really connection with the Infinite and all that is real.

What feels like danger is actually resting in the palm of God’s hand.

Allowing ourselves to experience stillness feels counterintuitive but is the only thing that takes us where we want to go. To the place where the mystery of life makes sense, inside us, in the spacious, empty, void.